


The Pendragon Giraffe

by merlinemrys



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, no seriously this is just pure cute things okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2013-01-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 21:44:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/614678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlinemrys/pseuds/merlinemrys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur struggles with the modern world. Merlin struggles with Arthur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> kinda prompted by a thing on tumblr, found [here.](http://shutupmerlin.tumblr.com/post/38827652721/i-want-a-fic-where-modern-merlin-has-to-teach-a)
> 
> this is only happy things because otherwise i would cry again.

_"Merlin,"_ Arthur screeched, followed by a scuffling noise and an undeniably (Arthur would deny it anyway) girly shriek. Merlin sighed and squished his face against his laptop, briefly cursing his goddamn destiny, before picking himself up and shuffling into the kitchen.

Arthur was perched precariously on a chair, wielding a soup spoon and waving it wildly at the little Roomba that was headbutting the legs of his chair.

"What is this sorcery?" he cried out, scooting back when the vacuum turned towards him with malicious intent.

Merlin's eyebrows rose, identical to Gaius' even after all these years. "It's not magic, Arthur," he sighed, idly inspecting his dragon slippers, "it's called technology."

"It's moving," Arthur sobbed desperately, throwing the spoon at the vacuum before clambering onto the kitchen counter and huddling into a ball.

Merlin rolled his eyes and sauntered over, flicking off the vacuum and petting Arthur's hair.

"There, you see?" he teased, waving the motionless Roomba in front of Arthur with a grin. "I've protected you again, sire."

Arthur scowled and glared at Merlin.

"You don't mention this to anyone." Merlin smothered a grin.

"Of course, Arthur."

//

 _"Merlin,"_ Arthur called out, voice once again tinged with panic and terror. Merlin set his tea down and idly considered throwing Arthur back into the lake.

He made his way over to the living room where Arthur was crouched behind a sofa and staring with wild-eyed terror at the television screen.

"There's a woman with the ice cream stuff on her head," he hissed with quiet intent, "she might come out of the magic box and attack us."

Merlin's eyes flicked over to Lady Gaga dubiously.

"Her dress was made of the flesh of her enemies, Merlin," Arthur whispered furiously, "she's a formidable foe."

Unable to help himself, Merlin seated himself on the couch and leaned over to kiss the top of Arthur's head.

"Don't worry, sire," he murmured, changing the channel to a football match, one of the few things Arthur actually understood. "I'll make sure Lady Gaga doesn't hunt us down."

Arthur wrinkled his nose in distaste, quickly overcoming his fear.

"What court in their right mind would have her as a  _lady_?" he asked incredulously.

Merlin hid a grin in Arthur's fluffy hair.

//

Arthur refused to leave the flat for a month.

"I'm not going, Merlin," he insisted, pointing the fake sword Merlin had given him for comfort at Merlin. "There are--there are strange silver beasts in the sky that aren't dragons, so you can't even control them--"

"Actually, I probably--"

"And there are smaller beasts that travel along the roads and the roads are  _weird_ , Merlin, I don't like them, they're smooth and black and yellow and none of the peasants answer to me as their rightful king!"

"Arthur, you're not a king right--"

"And these clothes! What is this made of, Merlin? It's--it's baggy, and strange, and the breeches are blue and what idiot decided upon that? It's worse than your neckerchiefs!"

"I like you in tighter clothes too, Arthur, but you can't just walk out there wearing a tunic and--"

"And the buildings are strange and there are no trees anywhere and I'm not going out there, Merlin."

Merlin sighed and scrubbed at his face with the palms of his hands.

"...maybe we should just watch telly."

Arthur huffed self-righteously and marched towards the living room.

"Bloody prat."

"I heard that!"

Merlin whacked him over the head with the remote and ducked away before Arthur could retaliate.

//

One day Merlin found Arthur sitting by the water tap, twisting it on and off and staring at it with rapt wonder.

He opened his mouth, closed it, and silently shut the door.

//

"Merlin, what's porn?"

"ARTHUR DON'T CLICK TH--"

"...oh."

"You're not allowed on the computer ever again."

//

"Fetch me my armor, Merlin, we're going to the supermarket."

Merlin flicked his wrist lazily, not deigning to look up from his kindle (Arthur wouldn't touch it with a pole), and Arthur's hoodie presented itself to him.

Arthur scowled.

"I want my real armor back. Not this--potato sack."

"Too bad. Wear it."

"You can't tell me what to do Merlin, I'm a king!"

Merlin finally lifted his eyes from his riveting book (he always enjoyed reading Shakespeare, even if the man himself was a bit pompous) and stared at Arthur with fond exasperation and, he suspected, unhealthy amounts of love.

"We get enough stares because you insist on carrying around that toy--"

"It's  _Excalibur_ , Merlin, I couldn't just leave it behind--"

"So there's no way you're going to the supermarket in full armor."

The hoodie began shoving itself over Arthur's head and Merlin could feel the familiar presence of Arthur's unamused glare.

//

"Merlin, what is this majestic creature?"

Arthur's taste in television had recently expanded beyond football and the history channel to include the discovery channel.

Merlin peered at the screen.

"It's a peacock, Arthur."

"I would like one in our chambers."

Merlin fixed him with a stare. "We can't have a peacock in our room, Arthur."

"Yes we can."

"No, we can't."

A week later found Merlin staring down the peacock in their room.

A month later found Merlin staring down a giraffe outside his window.

"I want Kilgharrah back," he moaned.

Arthur smiled broadly at the giraffe and leaned out the window to pet its nose.

"His name will be Pendragon. He shall be the attraction of all the kingdoms."

"I hate you."

"You love me."

(He did.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted more shenanigans so here are more shenanigans. arthur finds the internet. nothing is safe anymore.

Every Saturday evening, Arthur would sit in front of the washing machine and intensely watch the battle between the wet colors of blue and red and black as they tangled together.

Merlin made the foolish mistake of not interfering until Arthur took it upon himself to save his shirt from being engulfed by the neckerchiefs by flinging open the door in mid-cycle. He had blue balls and no clothes for the rest of the week.

//

Pendragon the four-inch giraffe (Merlin shrunk him for convenience's sake, despite Arthur's protests) and Uther the peacock took to accompanying Arthur while he watched discovery channel.

Merlin indulged him for Percy and Elyan the polar bears and Leon and Gwaine the lemurs, but he drew the line at Lancelot the shark.

And by drew he meant failed to draw. Lance found himself in a magically enhanced tank a week later, and Merlin disconnected the discovery channel.

//

"Merlin, look at this!" Merlin slowly and reluctantly turned the shopping cart around and stood by Arthur in the vast Staples store.

Arthur dramatically brought a pen to Merlin's and, with a deep breath, clicked it.

Merlin rose an eyebrow.

"...a pen?"

Arthur raised it above his head the same way he occasionally did with his plastic Excalibur. "It only works when clicked! Must be magic."

"It's not magic, Arthur, it's a pen."

"I must have an army of these miraculous contraptions immediately. Order me five hundred, Merlin."

Merlin staunchly ignored the stares of the cashiers and customers as he dragged his idiot king and army of five hundred clicky pens home.

//

"Merlin, what's Twilight?"

"You will not speak that word in this household."

"But I already ordered five posters online."

_"I told you to stay off the computer!"_

//

"Merlin, what is a Bieber? Is it some form of animal or a disease? Someone called it a fever, and apparently it causes screaming and fainting. Is this Albion's time of crisis?"

"Arthur, please, I'm begging of you, stay off the internet."

//

"Are you crying?" Merlin asked incredulously. Arthur sniffled and surreptitiously rubbed at his eyes.

"No! I just--I--I enjoyed Mulan, all right?"

(He cried even harder during the Lion King. Merlin just pat his head.)

//

"Merlin, come quickly!"

With a long-suffering sigh, Merlin plodded away from his nice, warm table of comfortable blankets and tea to where Arthur was staring intesnely at an iPhone.

"I fear that a sorceror has trapped a young woman in here," he said gravely, flapping the phone towards Merlin.

"Her name is Siri and her quest to travel to the nearest pizza store cannot be completed while she is trapped in this infernal device."

Merlin stared at Arthur for a full minute and slowly walked away.

//

"Merlin, what is he sixty-third rule?"

"I TOLD YOU TO GET OFF THE INTERNET."

//

Arthur broke the coffeemaker when Merlin wasn't home. It'd started whistling and he'd panicked and it absolutely, completely, totally wasn't his fault.

(He had blue balls for two weeks, this time, and vowed to treat the new coffeemaker with the utmost respect.)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> further explorations of the ~~internet~~ world fishing net. merlin is gettin reaaal tired of yo shit, mister pendragon.

The first time Arthur saw an automatic door, he walked back and forth for the better part of an hour whispering _"sorcery"_ under his breath.

Merlin dragged him away when the bank teller started shooting them suspicious looks. They installed (well, Merlin magicked) automatic doors in the place of every normal door in their flat because Arthur still had trouble with doorknobs.

//

"Merlin. Merlin. Merlin look! Merlin you're not looking. Merlin!"

Merlin silently cursed every god he knew and turned away from the shelf of toothpaste to glare at Arthur. Immediately, Arthur shoved a pair of sunglasses on his face, the tag still dangling down aross his nose, and leaned against the rack of sunglasses.

"I'm _cool._ "

Merlin was too busy giggling hysterically over the fact that Arthur Pendragon, once and future king of Albion, had knocked over five racks of sunglasses in the middle of a drugstore to complain about the damages.

//

"Hello, this is Vodafone, we're calling to speak with Mr. Merlin Emrys about his phone plan. Is he available?"

"No. He's dating. Me. MEEE. You can't have him. WE WERE SEPARATED FOR A THOUSAND YEARS AND WE WON'T BE SEPARATED AGAIN."

"Um, sir, we just need--"

"I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL."

//

After watching a documentary on nineteenth century European imperialism, Arthur refused to drink tea ever again and insisted on putting in a call to every African and Asian country to apologize for the wrongs of his people. Merlin only managed to stop him by redirecting his attention towards a nine-hour documentary about the American Revolution, and their flat is filled with indignant cries of protest and outrage for the rest of the week.

//

Despite Merlin's desperate warnings, Arthur continued to use and abuse the internet. He spent three days straight watching cat videos on Merlin's laptop, only leaving to eat or go the bathroom or fuck Merlin senseless into the mattress.

Merlin came home from work at the end of this kitty-fueled obesession to see Arthur cuddling two kittens in his arms, the three of them wearing matching expressions of watery begs for forgiveness. Merlin simply stared at the two cats as Arthur spluttered with more sounds than words. The scraggly black one curled protectively around the fluffy brown one, and they both blinked petuantly up at Merlin.

He heaved a sigh and clumsily patted the side of Arthur's face, interrupting his babble about how he saw the two of them and just _connected,_ really Merlin, a _magical rainbow connection like Kermit the frog._

"Just don't let Lance eat them. And keep them away from Uther, that nutjob."

With a bright grin, Arthur dumped the two kittens in Merlin's arms and rushed towards the door.

Morgana the kitten gazed imperiously up at Merlin while Gwen snuggled happily into his arms, and Merlin was so charmed by them that he forgot to twist the doorkob for Arthur.

Arthur crashed face-first and landed sprawled across the ground. Morgana took supreme pleasure in leaping out of Merlin's arms and walking over Arthur's head before settling into a fluffy pile on his back. Gwen tottered over and joined her, a puffy mess of brown nudging Morgana over.

Arthur looked a little bit like he was about to cry with his face mushed on the ground. Merlin could not stop laughing.

//

Merlin hummmed along to some inane song playing on the radio as he chewed his toast and read the newspaper. Arthur was gazing into the freezer section of the refrigerator that Merlin had changed into an Arctic plain, and Merlin sighed contentedly at how nice and domestic and _normal_ everything felt.

"Merlin, did you know that polar bears can have gay sex?"

Merlin choked on his toast.

//

Merlin made the mistake of bringing Arthur to the park. He was thoroughly convinced that the woodchips were actual hot lava, and that only Merlin's magic could keep him protected.

Merlin spent his afternoon darting around the playground with Arthur riding on his back and a pack of children at his knees, and found that he didn't mind in the slightest.

//

Merlin let Arthur wander off on his own while they were out shopping for clothes.

Arthur returned four minutes later with a pair of bright red booty shorts strapped around his head.

"Merlin! I've found a crown! It matches your neckerchief," he grinned, earnest and proud.

Merlin was unable to do anything except laugh uncontrollably and pull him in for a kiss.

//

"Merlin, I've found this thing on the world fishing net, it's the gag of nines and it's--"

"DAMMIT, ARTHUR."

//

"Merlin! I'm exploring the beautiful music of Nickel's Back!"

"Arthur--please, just. Just stop."

//

Arthur somehow managed to get the discovery channel back and became enamoured with Mythbusters. Merlin came home one day to find the kitchen a charred mess and half of Arthur's hair gone.

Miraculously, he managed to stop wheezing in laughter at the sight of Arthur's scowling face long enough to restore everything to order.

//

Some days Arthur liked to squish Merlin down on the bed and not move no matter how much Merlin struggled underneath him.

“Arthur,” he grumbled, poking at Arthur’s belly (fat).

“Arthur, you prat, move your fat arse. I have work.”

“No.”

“Arthur.”

“Merlin.”

_“Move.”_

“No.”

Merlin sighed and batted ineffectually at Arthur’s face with a pillow; Arthur scooted up Merlin’s body and wrapped his limbs around Merlin like an octopus. Morgana regaled them with a brief and haughty glare from the foot of the bed before leaping away indignantly.

"Mine," Arthur murmured against Merlin's collarbone, and Merlin promised himself _five minutes more._


End file.
